Nightmares and Confessions

The Nightmare

it's all lips and hands and skin against skin, fire trailing across nerves, tension building in her abdomen, and movement, endless movement... then a scrape against her side, could be teeth, could be something sharper... a hiss of pain, the world tips on its axis, and now she's on her knees, up to her elbows in mud... red mud... she tries to pull out but the hands that had been caressing now grab at her to pull her down, into the blood, and they claw through her skin when she struggles to free herself... the more she fights, the tighter the hands get, the more the bloodied ground swallows her whole... she's taking her last gasp before being submerged, makes one last effort to get away

With a strangled scream, Ellie's out of bed and out of her room, colliding with the wall opposite, then running, trying to get away from the hands and the blood. She's still not fully awake, and her instinct to flee takes her all the way down the gallery and into the middle of the empty space between the living and dining rooms before reality crashes in and she curls down onto the floor with a broken whimper

Azi: He had been sitting in the lounge reading one of the books Ellie owns when he heard the scream Setting the book aside he shot to his feet and made it to the dining room just in time to see Ellie collapses onto the floor He was at her side in a second Ellie? Ellie what happened?!

Ellie: frantically scrabbles away from him, eyes wide and panicked collides with an armchair strangled NO!

Azi: Puts his hands up to show her he means no harm Softer this time Ellie? It's me Aziraphale, what's wrong?

Ellie: blinks several times, slowly coming back to here and now whines, sags, tries to crawl towards him for one armreach, curls face-down instead with a sob

Azi: Crawls to her side Hugs her close to his chest and gently rocks her Whispers soothingly You're okay, you're okay...

Ellie: shaking like a leaf tears streaming trying to wipe something off her arms, writhing around with her hands, wiping then clawing at her own skin as if trying to scrape something off broken whimpering sounds

Azi: Takes her hands and rubs his thumbs over her knuckles to stop her from clawing at herself Kissing the top of her head and still mumbling soothing words to her

Ellie: hands clench and unclench in his pushes her body into his chest still shaking badly quietly whines I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

Azi: Lets go of one of her hands Runs his fingers through her hair and attempts to get her to look at him What's wrong love?

Ellie: stares at him with wide eyes but doesn't see him grabs at his arms whispers desperately I didn't mean to! shudders and closes her eyes, then opens them again with a snap I'm sorry. I... blinks rapidly Aziraphale?

Azi: Sighs in relief when Ellie seems to have come back to the present Smiles reassuringly Hi Ellie.

Ellie: face crumbles and she pitches forward into him sniffling and sobbing into his jumper I keep... saying I'm sorry... I keep... saying... but they keep... coming for me.

Azi: Hugs her tightly Rubs her back gently Who do dear? What happened?

Ellie: pushes against him more as if trying to get closer All... all the ones... I... can't say it There's so much blood... and it's all over... starts scraping at her arms again All over! gets a little frantic again

Azi: Grabs her hands to stop her from hurting herself Ellie, you're okay love. There's nothing on you.

Ellie: whimpers But they keep coming for me. You can't see the blood, but it's there. It's there, just underneath.

Azi: Kisses her knuckles No one is coming for you and if they were I wouldn't let them take you... Brushes some tears away from her eyes Okay?

Ellie: takes his wrists in a death grip You can't stop them. eyes still wide and a little frantic, tears still leaking They come in my dreams. closes her eyes Luckily I don't need sleep, won't be able to for a while now. sniffs and tries to will herself to stop crying

Azi: Heart breaking for her Wipes away more of the tears I can at least try... Scoops her up into his arms Holds her tightly and starts to head back to her room

Ellie: struggles when she realises where they're going No! No, not in there, not...

Azi: Stops and kisses her forehead I'm just going to grab something in there for you and then we can go wherever you like, okay?

Ellie: wild-eyed Put me down. Please. I can't go in there. I'll wait here.

Azi: Stares at her unsure if he should leave her alone Are you sure?

Ellie: pleading now Please...

Azi: Sighs but sits her down Holds her face in his hands and kisses her cheek* I'll be right back okay?

Ellie: nods but doesn't say anything

Azi: Runs to her room and grabs the stuffed animals that he had left with her earlier when she had gone to bed Hurries back to her once he has them

Ellie: sees what he went in for and finds herself reaching out for them

Azi: Places them in her arms Wraps his own arms around her ...Where would you like to go?

Ellie: is irrationally relieved to see he didn't come out covered in blood sniffles with renewed tears, gets Azi Bear slightly soggy Anywhere but in there.

Azi: Leads her to the nearest guest room and motions for her to sit down

Ellie: sits on the very edge of the guest bed and huddles around the three soft toys in her arms I'm sorry you had to see that.

Azi: Sits next to her Hugs her closely Don't be love. I'm sorry you had to go through that...

Ellie: leans The dream isn't something I went through, not really. shudders But it's related. sniffles and gives a bitter laugh At least this time I didn't go running out into the street and scare the locals. I was nearly burned for demonic possession that time.

Azi: Rubbing her back Rests her head on his shoulder Ellie... what was your dream about?

Ellie: deep, shuddering breath clutches the soft toys tighter It always starts a little differently. But then there's mud, and blood, and hands pulling me into it. All the hands of the... voice drops to almost inaudible angels... the ones I... I didn't mean to. looks up at him, expecting to see censure I was /very/ good with a sword.

Azi: It was beginning to click what she was talking about and he couldn't help but look at her with compassion Your dream was about the War wasn't it?

Ellie: ducks her head, fresh tears flowing About after. I don't remember... much of what happened during. looks at him again and shrinks back slightly When I saw what I had done... Aziraphale, there were so many of them! manic eyes They hadn't all trained like I had, they didn't stand a chance... But I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! I... doesn't know what else to say

Azi: Wipes her eyes Ellie... I can't imagine how horrible that must have been.... but it's in the past. They can't hurt you and you don't need to keep apologizing. Hugs her closer It was a war and we were all forced to do things we wouldn't normally do... I don't blame you for what you went through.

Ellie: Azi's eye wiping is useless and more tears come puts the soft toys aside and wraps her arms around Azi instead, burying her face against the side of his neck I just wish the dreams wouldn't come. Hadn't had one in a couple of centuries. Thought they were gone.

Azi: Moves back a bit so that he can pull Ellie onto his lap Hugs her as tightly as he could and nuzzles against her hair I'm sorry that they came back...

Ellie: shaking is slowly subsiding very, very quietly Knowing what I did... am I still family?

Azi: Is shocked that she would even think that she wasn't Tips her chin up so that he can look her in the eye You will /always/ be family love. It doesn't matter what you did in the past we will all still love you just the same.

Ellie: tears for a different reason tries not to sound bitter If only She'd been so forgiving.

Azi: Knows that there's really not anything he can say to that Settles for trying to kiss her tears away

Ellie: closes her eyes Sorry, I know... swallows down the apology Thank you.

Azi: Smiles and rests his forehead against hers Are you feeling any better?

Ellie: Getting there. takes a few deep breaths It's a much quicker recovery than normal, certainly, because of you. loosens a hand to wipe at her own eyes Usually I'd be a wreck until partway through the next day. Having someone around who... I can talk to... helps. A lot.

Azi: I'm always happy to help. Loosens his grip on her just enough so that he isn't snuggling the life out of her ...Is there anything else I can do for you? Anything at all?

Ellie: blinks and sniffs Can I sit with you? I won't be sleeping for at least a year, after that last one. But I don't want to be alone just yet...?

Azi: Smiles and moves so that they are sitting on the bed with their backs against the headboard And here I thought you were going to take advantage of my offer and ask me to do something difficult or embarrassing. Teased lightly

Ellie: drags the Crowley Cat along with her and places it on Azi's lap as she sags against the headboard and his side, putting an arm around his waist I'll keep note of that offer for when I'm feeling better and will remind you of it.

Azi: Grins Oh good, I would hate for you to be losing your touch. Worms an arm around her and snuggles her and the Crowley Cat, much to his amusement

Ellie: I'm still sorry you had to see that, but I'm also glad you were here.

Azi: It's fine love, I'm glad I was here too. Next time you can use me as your own personal pillow if that will help.

Ellie: thinks about that Huh. Strangely, I did sleep very well when I was with you.

Ellie: /Really/ well.

Azi: Really? Well then I guess I made a good pillow huh?

Ellie: nods against his shoulder The best pillow, it seems. I think when I'm ready to try sleep again... looks up at him I'll give you a bit more warning, though, next time? Rather than just fall asleep on you. lips tug up a little bit for the first time

Azi: Sees her little smile and grins Aww, does that mean it's going to be awhile before you sleep with me again? Mock pout

Ellie: smiles a little more at Azi's joke We'll see. Didn't know you were so keen to sleep with me again.

Azi: Brushes his fingers through her hair Well... I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it.

Ellie: eyes half close with pleasure at the hair-combing I know someone would have a field day with this conversation. grabs Crowley Cat and covers his ears

Azi: Giggles Shh, I wouldn't tell him about our scandalous relationship if you don't.

Ellie: actually laughs a little Scandalous relationship? Oh my...

Azi: What? Is our snuggling on beds and kissing on cheeks not scandalous enough for you?

Ellie: chuckles After all this time doing what I do, you don't want to know where the bar is set for 'scandalous' for me.

Azi: Laughs Well... scandalous for us.

Ellie: smiles at up at him I've reset my scandalous metre just for you.

Azi: Snuggles Oh excellent! I would have had quite a bit of trouble trying to keep up with you if you hadn't.

Ellie: I think trying to keep up may have discorporated you, quite honestly!

Azi: I think you are right about that one. I'm fine with our scandalous level as it is. Kisses her nose

Ellie: screws up her nose but is smiling finally relaxing after the nightmare What were you doing before I so rudely interrupted? You don't look like you were sleeping...

Azi: Reading. I don't sleep much unless I am completely exhausted, black out, or am being used as a pillow by a snuggly demon.

Ellie: looks interested Did you find anything interesting to read? The books here aren't mine. I've only been using this place for about three months, so I haven't had a chance to really look at many of them.

Azi: Just an old copy of Treasure Island. I was about halfway done with it when you woke up.

Ellie: Ah. Don't think I've read that one, but I vaguely know about it. adjusts and settles back down You can keep reading, if you like? Were you in the lounge? We can go back there and both read something. I really don't want to sleep.

Azi: Smiles I've read it plenty of times before but we can go back there if you want. Though you must really want to leave if you're passing up a chance with me in bed... Said offhandly

Ellie: sighs I must be very off form to have missed two opportunities to tease you tonight.

Azi: Pokes her side Really, where's the Ellie who I knows loves to put me through embarrassing situations?

Ellie: She has gone on sick leave. Will be back when she has recovered. In the meantime you have one somewhat subdued, not-flirting demon instead. Can you cope?

Azi: Mock sighs in disappointment I guess I will have to, but she had better be back soon and bring plenty of flirtatious comments with her okay?

Ellie: tired smile Promise.

Azi: Leans over and grabs the other stuffed animals Brings them over to join Crowley Cat

Ellie: smiles as the other soft toys are brought over My little family. Thank you.

Azi: Hugs Ellie and her little family Makes a mental note to make a little stuffed animal of her as soon as Crowley finds out about these little darlings because there is no way he is letting that Serpent miss out on the fun

Ellie: clutches at the soft toys I think... it's because of meeting up with Crowley again... and finding out... bites lip not ready for that guilty confession just yet ... that he's a demon, and the memories all getting stirred up again. I hadn't done more than snooze a little before falling asleep on you on the couch since New Year's. Never more than a few minutes at a time, not long enough to dream.

Azi: Running his fingers through her hair thoughtfully Meeting up with someone from that time... well, it is sure to bring up some old memories, both good and bad. Hopefully however the bad ones will learn to leave you be at night soon enough. Smiles a little teasingly If you are anything like Crowley when he doesn't get his rest then I fear for how you will be acting if this keeps up.

Ellie: snorts I don't know how Crowley gets, but I can go years without sleep, but not without rest, if you get the difference? And I haven't been able to rest much, either.

Azi: Props up a pillow behind him so that he isn't completely leading against a hard headboard Puts his arms firmly back around Ellie and her little stuffed animal family I'm sorry for that love, anything I could perhaps do to help?

Ellie: smiles a little There you go, offering your services again. Careful, that's not a good habit to get into around me. cuddles in This is restful.

Azi: I can't help it, you demons cause me to pick up on some terrible habits. Cuddles

Ellie: Ooooo, like what else? Do tell! grin

Azi: Teasingly What? And ruin the mystery of it all?

Ellie: Keeping me keen, huh? winks squeezes

Azi: Squeezes back Oh always my dear.

Ellie: bites lip deep breath I have one more thing to confess. Not sure if you'll like it.

Azi: Tilts head curiously What is it?

Ellie: plucks at shirt Actually, come to think of it, not sure I should be telling you without Crowley's permission...

Azi: Is confused Why? What is it?

Ellie: bites lip It's about his Fall. very quietly, not looking up at him And my part in it...

Azi: Blinks Your part?

Ellie: clutching at his shirt eyes closed and trying to push the guilt down If he hadn't been trying to help me...

Azi: Gets what she is trying to say Holds her Oh Ellie you must not blame yourself...

Ellie: whispers But it's because of /me/!

Ellie: And I needed you to know that.

Ellie: All my worst secrets. Nothing else. cringes

Azi: Stern look Ellie, you shouldn't blame yourself for a choice someone else made. If Crowley wanted to help you that was his choice to make and his alone. He wouldn't want you to feel guilty over this.

Ellie: You... I've told you that I've killed more angels than I can count, and that I was the cause of your best friend's Fall from grace... And you still... shakes head in wonder Is it even /possible/ for you to hate?

Azi: Hums thoughtfully before dipping down and kissing her nose You? I don't think so. I love you too much for that to ever happen. Smiles

Ellie: I don't deserve you. But I'm glad I have you anyway. hugs him tight

Azi: Chuckles You flatter me love.

Ellie: I feel better now that I've got all that out there.

Azi: I'm happy that you were willing to share these things with me.

Ellie: This was a rather roundabout way of getting you into bed, wasn't it? weak chuckle Told you I wasn't that good at sweet talk.

Azi: Shrugs You still got me here didn't you? I'd say that was a win.

Ellie: smiles Are you the prize?

Azi: Grins Why? Do you want me to be?

Ellie: somewhat silly grin on her face And if I said yes? teasing Would you let me devour you, my sun and moon, my /chocolate/? winks and clicks her teeth together

Azi: Bites back a giggle I suppose I might, but I would ask that you avert our little stuffed friends eyes. No need for them to see that sort of thing.

Ellie: laughs Their poor innocent eyes, yes!

Azi: Giggling So tell me love, /are/ you planning to devour me?

Ellie: lunges up and licks his face quickly from jaw, up his cheek, all the way to his forehead laughs pretends to consider the taste Hmm. I think you need some seasonining first.

Azi: Blushes but laughs and wipes his face off Next time may I have a little warning before your tongue attacks me? Jokingly

Ellie: carefully innocent look But that would spoil the surprise. deliberately wide-eyed You don't like the things I do with my tongue? sly Perhaps you prefer the things Crowley can do with his tongue...

Azi: Playful glare Oh don't you start that again.

Ellie: grin Who me?

Azi: Pokes her side Yes you.

Ellie: wide grin, not sorry at all

Ellie: one finger sneakily starts tickling his side

Azi: Yelps and wiggles away

Ellie: grins and follows

Ellie: latches on again

Azi: Don't start what you can't finish love...

Ellie: is never one for taking sensible advice starts tickling again, just with a single finger against his side

Azi: Eeps Starts to tickle her in return

Ellie: laughs and squirms tries to tickle back, but is quickly reduced to just helplessness

Azi: Takes advantage of having the upper hand and tickles her senseless

Ellie: giggles and tries to squirm away

Azi: Pins her so that there is no escape and keeps up his tickle attack

Ellie: in between giggle fits You're... merciless... bastard... love you.

Azi: Laughs and stops to give her a break

Ellie: panting with laughter uses the break to tickle him back (because she has zero self-preservation skills right now)

Azi: Giggles and moves out of reach If I didn't know any better I'd say you enjoy being a helpless fit of giggles...

Ellie: giggles subsiding a bit Why not? When have I had a chance to giggle in the last six thousand years? smiles and tries to straighten out her hair again

Azi: Leans closer and helps her fix her hair I'll remember you said that...

Ellie: reaches up for his hair, which has also become somewhat mussed I bet you will. And remind me of it at the most inconvenient time. grins

Azi: Oh you know me all too well. Smiles

Ellie: curls against him I don't know you nearly well enough yet, but we have time. smiles

Azi: Brushes her still slightly messy hair with his fingers That we do love.

Ellie: laughs a little self-consciously Look at us saps. smiles

Azi: What about us saps? Grins

Ellie: This is what you've turned me into. smiles, not looking sorry

Azi: Sticks his tongue out at her And I don't regret it.

Ellie: Give it time. cheeky smile You may regret it yet.

Azi: Oh I highly doubt that.

Ellie: arches one eyebrow Oh? What makes you so sure?

Azi: Well if you being sappy results in more cuddles then I really don't see how I could ever come to regret it.

Ellie: teasing You're such a cuddle monster. I'm going to be the most thoroughly cuddled demon ever. grins cuddles anyway

Azi: Smiles You say that like it would be a bad thing. Snuggles

Ellie: I'm still trying to decide. I may need further convincing. small smile

Azi: Grinning And would I convince you?

Ellie: serious face I think it will take a lot more practice cuddling.

Azi: Nods Just as serious face I can help with that. Huggles and nuzzles her hair

Ellie: squeezes eyes shut and smiles, snuggling as close as possible, nightmare nearly forgotten

Azi: Giggles and strokes her hair Is this helping?

Ellie: Yes. grins Now you just have to keep doing this from now until the end of time and I'll be just fine.

Azi: Smirks Do I at least get some snack breaks?

Ellie: I'll consider it.

Azi: Oh you are so kind.

Ellie: I know. Don't let it go to your head. chuckle

Azi: Giggles I'll try not to.

Ellie: Wouldn't want you getting ideas above your station.

Azi: Raises eyebrow in question Oh?

Ellie: nods sagely I know your type. Gotta keep a firm hand or you go getting ideas.

Azi: Snickers What sort of ideas do you think I will be getting?

Ellie: grins Oh, you might start coming to your senses and realise what it is you're cuddling with, and I can't have that. Or start thinking that it's ok to get up in the middle of a decade-long nap to stop being my pillow just because your leg is cramping or something.

Azi: Mock pouts But I would like to be allowed to stretch my legs...

Ellie: appears to consider can't keep up the pretense and chuckles

Azi: Nuzzles Also what would it matter if I realize who I am cuddling with?

Ellie: nuzzles back I didn't say who, I said what.

Azi: Okay then, would it matter if I realized /what/ I was cuddling?

Ellie: looks puzzled for a second shakes her head and smiles a little Never mind. I can see that's not going to be an issue, then.

Azi: Gives her a forehead kiss Then perfect.

Azi: Adjusts Ellie so that she is using his shoulder as a pillow and he can wrap both arms around her completely Strokes her hair

Ellie: sighs and enjoys the closeness relaxes, but doesn't sleep

Azi: Cuddles her endlessly for the rest of the night